the sticky wicket

I heard this phrase yesterday for the first time in about 5 years. I know my mind should have immediately jumped to 9th grade history, but I incorrectly attributed this phrase to Ms. A. That somehow naturally reminded me of a conversation I had with my mom this past weekend about how she felt she had done very little with her life. She made a comment about knowing that you've done something right when people come up to you and thank you. But people rarely do that... so how do you know that you're really helping people and making a difference?

Well, naturally the simple answer, the most common one, and ultimately the worst answer is: you just know.

That, my friends, is a complete load of hooey. No one places that much confidence in their gut. The more honest answer is that you "know" you're making a difference when you feel good enough about yourself and what you're doing to label it as such. Maybe if a person is too modest or insecure, they won't ever think they're making a difference. After all, real life isn't some nice story about dying starfish that you hear once a year on Community Service Day.

I realized I made a rather stupid comment in that conversation about how I know that I "make a difference" when I volunteer at RFBD. The truth of the matter is, I do diddlysquat. I'm essentially the proof-reader, er, listener. Sure, sometimes people make mistakes, and I catch them. But in the grand scheme of things, double-checking is the first thing to go when people run out of time--it's unnecessary. If you do it perfectly the first time, no one should need to edit anything. So why do I go? I suppose I still feel like I'm doing something. Whether that something is enough, well, I don't know, but my gut still tells me it's the right thing to do.

After that long-winded ramble, I just wonder if Ms. A ever knew she was making a difference. How do you really quantify that? I wouldn't say that I know my Renaissance better than if I had had any other history teacher, and I wouldn't say that she's made a huge impact on my life either. But I am the person I am today because of her and everyone else that's come into my life. So yeah, I have enough confidence in her and what she did to say that she made a difference in my life. I just hope she saw it the same way too.